Authenticity

‘Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse.  ‘It’s a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become real.’ – The Velveteen Rabbit

I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days about authenticity.  I would consider myself an authentic person.  A – what you see is what you get, kind of person. I try to be true to myself and others about what I’m thinking and feeling.  But, sometimes things happen in this life that cause you to question.  To question your choices.  To questions your goals.  To question your own motives and priorities. 

When I began this process, I came with the desire to be authentic. To share insight into my life; the way I process my day to day interactions, and the intentionality I strive to bring to my relationship with others. Yes, I love to share the funny things that my kids do, and the good times that we have together- but I don’t want to just entertain. I want to share. I want to be real. I want those who read this to also know, that it’s ok for you to be real too.

That being said…In thinking about this topic of authenticity; I have come to a conclusion: Authenticity begins with being honest with your own self.  I sit behind this keyboard a few days a week, and I replay the cute, catchy, and profound things that have happened in my family’s life…but I choose to forget the hard days that we have.  I choose to skim over the nights that I go to bed wondering if I’m screwing my kids up.  I dare not talk about the fact that, after 7 years of college and thousands of invested dollars, I still have so many questions about who I’m meant to be in this life.  

I had a friend say something to me several years ago, that has stuck with me.  They said that “Selflessness looks good on [me].”  Until that point, I had never thought of myself as a selfish person.  But the truth, is…I was.  I am.  And nothing highlights the selfish tendencies in your life like parenthood.  It’s a strange dichotomy; parenthood.  I often find myself caught between a strong need to spend every moment with these little humans, while at the same time yearning for a even a few minutes of solitude.  I desire more than most anything for my kids to succeed in life, yet when they come to me lately, more often than not I tell them I don’t have the time. First and foremost I want them to grow in love and the knowledge of their Heavenly Father. Yet, I let them down daily in the way that I speak to, and interact with them.

You’re probably wondering when I’m going to get to the point.  I’m not really sure what the point is…Talk about authenticity!  I think the point is, that going forward, I want the record to show that; I am growing.  I am learning.  I am being humbled.  I am looking to make a course correction.  I have seen in my children’s eyes, and heard from their mouths – in not so many words- that I have let them down.  I have prioritized my own agenda, while failing to take into account their needs.  Let me make this clear. I’m not talking about giving my kids everything that they want.  I’m not talking about spoiling them rotten and tailoring my life around their pleasure.  I’m talking about being present.  I talking about valuing time.  I’m talking about looking them in the eyes when I have a conversation with them. I’m talking about saying “no” to good things, and recognizing that the best thing I can be is a good wife to their Dad, good mother to them, and most importantly a good reflection of their Heavenly Father (and mine).  My life is truly a gift.  My family is an even greater gift.  If I’m being authentic with myself I would say that I have been squandering that gift. It ends today.